To my fellow truth-seekers, I would say this: Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it. Often, the truth is more painful than what your perceived reality has always been. But no matter how painful, the truth is what sets you free and allows you to pick yourself up, dust off the past, and move forward into whatever future you can make for yourself.
And yes, just six months ago I would have said “whatever future God has in store.” And I would have believed it with all my heart. And I still believe that the Holy Spirit is our guide, as He promised, if we will only listen. But I am learning that, far more often than not, our future ends up being what we make of it. Not only is this Biblical, it is natural cause and effect – you sow abundantly, you reap abundantly. You sow sparingly, you reap sparingly. You sow bad choices, you reap painful results. And often, you reap the painful results of other people’s choices as well.
Does this detract from God’s sovereignty? Not at all. In His sovereignty, He gave us free will. And we can freely will ourselves into misery. It isn’t God’s fault.
Grace? Yes. There is plenty of that, even for the wounded and cynical heart. As a friend gently pointed out to me today, God is big enough to handle my doubt and my frustration.
But in this thing too, I get to choose. I can accept the rest He holds out to me, as He offers to take me back to square one and teach me Himself, or I can fight Him every step of the way, making the journey even longer and more painful. See how that works? Cause and effect. Today, I will choose to rest. Tomorrow? I will tell you tomorrow.
For today, I choose to believe that He knows. That He is not mad at me just because I am mad at Him. I choose to believe that He remembers we are dust and have limited ability to handle what life throws at us. I choose to look back at my past and see His kindness softening the blows. I choose to remember His gifts and the moments I have felt Him close. I choose to remember the sense of His arms around me as I sat and wept in my grief.
I choose to believe that He knew full well I would come to this place of complete and utter spiritual destitution, of not trusting Him – at least, not the Him I thought He was. I choose to believe that He saw this shipwreck before it occurred. That He knows I am afraid of Him. That He is not offended that I hold Him at arm’s length because I fear what I do not understand.
I choose to believe that He knows me better than I know myself. That the whisper I keep hearing that says, “You know Me,” is true. That eventually, I will understand – at least in part.
I may forsake my roots, but I choose not to forsake my God. I may not understand Him, but a finite mind can never understand the infinite. Tomorrow, I may fight, and scream, and rail against the Almighty. But today, I choose to rest. And to realize that both are ok, because His patience is unending. And He is holding me either way. Because He knows that deep down, I want Him. The real Him. The Jesus I’m not sure I’ve ever met.
And so, while I seek, He hides me under the shadow of His wing. He covers me as I ask, cry, ponder, muse, listen, seek and try to obey a God I feel like I barely know. And that’s ok. For here, under His watchful, loving eye, I am still safe. That, I know. That, I trust. That, I am sure of.
Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed. Hebrews 12:12
In repentance and rest you will be saved,
In quietness and trust is your strength.
But you were not willing…
Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him. Isaiah 30: 15,18
May we long for Him. May we long for truth.
And when we find Him – the real Him – may we never let Him go.